Today I cut my hair… I mean REALLY cut my hair!  It wasn’t that I was seeking a change in style.   I did it in search of myself.   After 30 years of coloring my hair, I called it quits.  There were only two choices to literally finding my roots; one was to let “the ditch” grow out all the way, and the other was to cut!  Cutting was the most expedient!  Granted, I was already sporting a short style, so the leap wasn’t too far for me…

55th Birthday 2 Weeks Prior to Buzz-Cut

What led me to this decision?

To cut was not a decision I made in haste.  For the past year, a ground swell has been building inside me – – a perfect storm of self-love, and appreciation for this wonderful phase of mid-life that I now find myself in.  (I am 55.  It just doesn’t get more “mid-life” than that!)  Anyway, I have finally arrived at the top of the mountain.  After a decade of serious weight gain, accompanied by frustration and mounting self-loathing, I have done the work and I am finally comfortable, no – – thrilled, in my own skin!

My transformation has been from the inside out; as I learned what I already inherently knew: Who I am is WHO I AM.  (My husband always tells me that I should have been a genius!  Ha!).

What shows on the outside has taken many forms over the years, but it doesn’t change who I really am – -the person that I love and respect; the same person that others who know me have come to love and respect.

Mid-Life Transformation

As a part of my mid-life transformation, I became less enamored by my blonde locks, and wanted to put forth a more authentic look – – yes, gray!  Funny thing was, it didn’t really appear that I had much gray in my roots (primarily just around my face).  But I really felt like the blonde was making me look more tired, and ironically, older.  I have come to realize that the goal, for me, isn’t to look younger, but to look not-tired – – yes, energized!

So, my stylist and I began talking about incorporating dark low-lights and gray highlights, in an effort to blend my natural hair with the applied color.  I know, I know… most women color to cover up their gray; I wanted to color to transition to gray!  And so, we tried.  My stylist did a beautiful job of coloring, but the gray just wouldn’t hold – – it faded very quickly to a brassy blonde every time.

First Salt & Pepper Salon Coloring

Beautiful Salt & Pepper Salon Color, Second Application (Photo at top of post, of my 55th birthday, is this same gray color application, completely faded to blonde) 

Second Salt & Pepper coloring beginning to fade to brassy blonde in few weeks  (Photo at top of post, of my 55th birthday, is this same gray color application, completely faded to blonde)

Not only was I wanting to look and feel more authentic, I was equally tired of being a slave to the salon (time and money!).  By-George, I wanted to stop coloring!  So, I began to consider just cutting off all the color and letting my natural “what-ever” color grow out.  I concocted a plan to let my roots grow for six weeks, and then buzz off the color!

Inside Voices of Doubt

During this planning stage I experienced mostly joyful anticipation, but also some trepidation.  That little insecure, critical voice whispered,

“What if you hate the shape of your head?” 

“You know, your eyebrows are not symmetrical… and your bangs presently offset that imperfection… that will be gone if you cut!” 

“What about your forehead wrinkles, and neck wrinkles?  Won’t they be more prominent if you cut?” 

“Maybe your hair plays too important a role in your outward beauty!”

More than once, I pondered the fact that if I cut my hair “buzz-short” then I couldn’t hide under it at all anymore.  I would really be out there.  Just all of me, out there.

In my mind I conjured up every wrinkle, every blemish, every “flaw” in skin, my bone structure, my ears (by the way, my ears are not the same shape: apparently labeled as a “birth defect” one tucks back neatly, and one sticks out to the side).  Even the unknown shape of my head frightened me.

Then I thought, “Good grief! You are so far past this!  Do not listen to that small voice.  You are finished hiding!  Critical, insecure voice be banished!”  After all, I ain’t no Hollaback Girl!  I’m taking my convictions to the next level!

Dear sisters, please don’t misunderstand.  I am not saying everyone needs to have short hair to find the path to her authentic self!  Goodness no!  I will probably grow mine back out (after experimenting with 10 in-between pixies!).  This is just a way for me to start over; a path to a new beginning; a re-birth.  One of many “first days” in the next rest of my life!

Know, too, that this article is not meant to knock the coloring of one’s hair; I have always been a big fan of the art expressed through the coloring of hair.  I have admired other women’s variety of colors, highlights and lowlights.  I have worn my hair in many different colors and styles; and loved every minute of it!

I’m also not dissing make-up or fashion!  Heck, one of the incentives I gave myself for following through with this buzz-cut (sans color for the first time in 30 years) was that I could go spend the $$$ I saved by not coloring on some new clothes and jewelry to go with my new hair!  Yes!

Gray is Beautiful

I do believe that there are many women out there who would love to stop coloring their hair, but don’t know how to go about it, or are afraid that they will look “ugly,” or are afraid that they’ll be ridiculed or not supported by their husbands, family, and friends.  These are the women for which I want to set an example; these are the women that I want to encourage.

There is whole gray revolution going on out there!  Be part of it with me!  It’s very exciting!  Let’s set a new example that gray is beautiful!  It’s not something to hide and be ashamed of!  There are so many beautiful colors of gray, and silver, and white, and salt & pepper, and every “cool” shade in between that are just gorgeous!  And women of all ages have gray hair… from teenage years, to the 20’s, the 30’s, the 40’s and later.  But let’s quit fighting it!  Let’s have our daughters and granddaughters look at us, with our grays and silvers shining, and think, “Wow!  She is awesome, and I want to be like her!”

If you are interested in “going gray,” there is are some wonderful Facebook support groups that I enjoy following:

Going Grey Gracefully

Silver Foxy

Goin’ Gray and Loving It! 

If you join any of these groups, you will find women from all over the world supporting each other in going gray!  The majority of these lovely women are growing out their grays by letting the demarcation line between their last chemical color and their natural color get longer and longer until it reaches the desired length for a cut.  It’s different for everyone!  

A friend of mine pointed me in the direction of these Facebook groups, because I had been talking so much about “going gray,” myself.  These groups of women ultimately gave me the courage to cut the color and wait for my “true colors” to emerge!  Hats off to women around the world who are part of this gray revolution!

Dear sisters, what I am espousing is that we be our authentic selves at every age!  By all means, dress up, make up and adorn!  But do it your way!

On the Other Side of the Shears (Number 4, BTW)

Post cut:  Even after all the pep-talks I gave myself to get myself to the salon and in that chair, and even though my initial reaction to the cut was, “Yes!,” when I got home to my own mirror, with no audience, that critical, insecure voice still whispered, “Wow.  Let’s be honest.  Your ears really have gotten bigger with age!”

Pause.

Consider.

All I could do was acknowledge that, “Why, yes, dear self, they have… but what of it?  It’s simply another sign that my body is carrying out its evolutionary mission.  It is well with my soul.”

Wrap-Up:  I can’t decide whether I look like a monk, or the sergeant on Gomer Pyle!  I guess it’s a little of both… on the one hand I’m more introspective and reverent than ever, and on the other hand, I am so in your face!

Buzz-Cut and Loving It!

I bought a Mercedes!  The money I saved by quitting the dye was more than enough to pay the difference between my previous car payment and my new Mercedes payment!

What dream could you realize?