I am disconcerted by women who think they need a man (or mate) in their lives to be happy (or even to survive).  Let me say that I do understand the notion of wanting a companion to compliment your life and to share in the happy times, help solve the puzzles and divide the grief when it comes.  But this is not the same as needing a mate in order to lead a meaningful and satisfying life.

I think it comes down to self-esteem (or the lack thereof).  Low self-esteem often results in a need for the praise or attention of others.  It also results in destructive behaviors such as allowing yourself to be used and abused.  

As a young woman, and after 10 years of marriage and a family consisting of a beautiful 8-year old daughter and a 3-year old son, I found myself a single mom.  It was not my choice to divorce or render my children part of a “broken family,” but, nonetheless, I found myself on my own with 2 children to support and raise.  

I was a single mom for 8 years.  After the initial first year of believing I would never want another man in my life, I began to realize that I did crave the financial stability and emotional support that a husband can offer (under the right circumstances).

So, I will be the first to admit that I began to long for a mate.  My first husband and I were mis-matched from the beginning, which ultimately accounted for the dissolution of our marriage.  So, being in my thirties the second time around, I was on the look-out for someone who shared similar values, enjoyed similar pass-times, and had a similar outlook on life.  Okay, a “soul mate.”  I know, a little too “dreamy” but not a bad start.

The important thing is that during the 8 years between my divorce and my second marriage, I took full advantage of the opportunity to learn who I was, what I stood for and what I was capable of on my own.  

Prior to my divorce I had already developed many outlets for my creative energies (arts, crafts, hobbies and even a professional photography side hustle).   I was a full-time working professional and a loving mother. Self-esteem wasn’t a problem for me.  

During my time as a single mom I became Twanda!  It wasn’t always easy, and I had to learn to wield tools, lawn mowers, weed eaters, hedge trimmers, paint brushes and other “manly appurtenances.”  It was very empowering and taught me that I absolutely could do it on my own!  This is so important!  

To this day, when I need to dig deep for strength, I recall my thirties and draw empowerment from that time!  It’s because of that near-decade of Twanda-ness that I am who I am, and likewise have so much more to offer my now-husband as a well-rounded person!  

Don’t get me wrong, I have most assuredly reverted to letting him take out the trash, do minor repairs around the house and tend the lawn and hedges!  I never said I wanted to do all of those things, but I most certainly can!  That’s the rub.

Don’t ever think that, as a woman, (or even as a man) that you need a spouse or partner to complete you, or to bring happiness to your life.  If you believe this, please examine the reasons behind this belief and take steps to learn who you really are on your own and put things in motion that will lend themselves to bringing an inner peace in your life.  

It’s okay to look forward to the day when someone will come into your life that will compliment it and make your joy fuller, but you must have the joy (on your own) first.