I have been hiding since 2008. Hiding since weight gain really set in. Hiding from former acquaintances, from former co-workers, from childhood friends, from relatives, from anyone who knew me in my thinner body. Why? Simple. Because that’s how I wanted them to remember me. I chose to forgo fostering meaningful relationships with these people in order to safeguard my earlier body image.
At first I thought I could hide temporarily, just until I cold lose the weight and restore my body to its previous glory. So, I put off that vacation to my childhood town until I could lose weight. I put off visiting out-of-state relatives and friends until I could lose weight. I declined invitations from my former colleagues for birthday parties, retirement parties and other milestone celebrations until I could lose weight.
What all of these people didn’t know was why I had dropped off the grid. Without knowledge of the reasoning behind my disappearance and reluctance to accept social invitations, they were only left with one choice — to believe that I no longer cared about them and didn’t want to be part of their lives any longer. So, my persistence in hiding became a wedge between me and people that I cared about. As months turned into years, and years turned into a decade I sat by quietly and watched those relationships suffer or die rather than giving those people a chance to love me.
What I have since learned is that the people who loved me did so in spite of my body shape. At the onset of serious weight gain (100 pounds in 12 years) I had begun a new job. I loved my job and was good at it. A big part of my job had to do with developing and maintaining relationships with people outside my organization. As the years went by I acquired many new, productive work relationships. I frequently received praise for my efforts. People really seemed to like me, in spite of my big body. Honestly, no one seemed to notice.
Looking back on it now, I realize that people were engaging with my personality, with my energy, with my eyes, with my smile. I realized that I had established and maintained numerous relationships with other professionals in spite of our culture of body shaming and fat phobia!
This realization was one of the key ingredients that ultimately led to the transformation of my thought process on self love. These people definitely loved me, respected me, found me thoughtful, kind and intelligent. Why, then, couldn’t I love myself like that?
Another incident that hit home with me was this: One day I found myself out of hair conditioner. I got on Amazon and ordered the same brand as usual, but a different “aroma.” Hey, I was ready for change! Well, I got a change, alright! I accidentally ordered a conditioner that added brunette color to the hair! So, much to my surprise, when I used the product for the first time and got out of the shower I was a solid brunette! (I was blonde prior to that day).
Wow, I looked SO different. I did not like the look at all. But I shrugged and thought “Not an emergency; I have my regular hair appointment in a few days.” So I lived with it for a few days, but every time I looked in a mirror it took me by surprise all over again! Why? Because when I wasn’t in front of my reflection I felt like the same old “me.” This realization was very telling to me. Guess what? It didn’t matter one bit what color my hair was, I was still very much me on the inside!
Ladies, let’s please remember that our true and authentic selves are on the inside, and the light that shines through is what other people who take the time to get to know us love about us!
I encourage you to stop shame-hiding. Show up. This includes the often-dreaded camera. Your family and friends will want to look back at their favorite memories with you and see that you were there!
